Miscarriage

I drove to the doctor yesterday to have my blood taken. Nothing about yesterday's drive there and back was pleasant. I dreaded going back and having that needle put in my arm. The nurse taking my blood is newer and asked me how my numbers were. I was a little stunned she wasn't aware they were going down and that this appointment was one of the most painful I have ever been through. I decided that she must only take blood and not know anything else. I left the doc office and drove back home. On the way home, I just sobbed. I cried that really embarrassing cry that is loud and uncontrolled. Thankfully I always keep tissue in my car, and I was able to mop up the tears as they came. Eventually I decided I wanted to talk to someone, so I called my friend Emily. She went through a miscarriage as well, and it helped knowing that she understood some of what I was going through. We talked, I cried a little more. I went home and then started talking to Dallas. I've been a little bothered that he wasn't as excited as me when we found out and it doesn't seem like he is really struggling with this like I am. I know he is sad and hurting, but he makes himself busy and keeps going. I have locked myself into a bubble here at home and not wanted to do much. I have gone out shopping a couple times and even taken a couple showers. I spent some time talking to Dallas about everything. I think it helped me and maybe him too. I had been looking up pictures of what babies look like around this time in a pregnancy. I don't really know how far along I am, so I'm just guessing that it is 5 weeks or a little less. Dallas thought I was kind of morbid looking a pictures online, but I told him I need to see a baby at this point. I needed to know this was real. I never heard a heartbeat or saw an image on an ultrasound, so I needed to see. Other than seeing a positive pregnancy test, I never felt pregnant. Those images helped me be able to connect with what is going on inside. My heart hurts for a baby I've never seen or will never meet. In fact, I never even thought this baby would be possible. So, yesterday I spent a lot of time mourning this loss. 

I never got a call back from the doctor, so I called this morning. The numbers went down again. The nurse was so sweet and sad for me. She did say it is really encouraging to know that I CAN get pregnant. Even better, we now know how to make the IVF cycle a better one. I have to keep going in to get my blood drawn until my levels reach zero again. Miscarriage isn't this thing that happened instantly for me...I've been going through the process for over a week now and still will have another week or so until my body completes the process. So, I continue to wait.

Yesterday I spent time at the piano singing praise songs. I can't express how much that helped me. Today I am actually up and doing some things around the house. I am hurting and running a slight fever, but I got out of the bed. (I could use a shower!) I still don't really want to talk to anyone and I think I'm kind of in my own protected bubble. So many people have expressed care and concern, and that has certainly helped, but I'm just not ready to be back in the "real world" again. I'm so ready to start this process again. I'm so very ready to hold our child. I'm thankful that through all of this, I don't just want to give up. All hope is not lost. 

When I was singing yesterday, the second verse from Bob Kauflin's song Out of Depths really helped me. It is a song based off of Psalm 130. The second verse is a reminder that although I don't understand, I still trust and know God is good. I am still very loved by Him. It says:

The secret mysteries belong to You
We only know what You reveal
And all my questions that are unresolved
Don’t change the wisdom of Your will
In every trial and loss
My hope is in the cross
Where Your compassions never fail

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)